


Don't Let Me Go

by oneishaa97



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), malec - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst is my thing, Angst makes me whole, Boys In Love, Breakup, Heartache, Heartbreak, Love, M/M, Malec, Malec is Immortal, Misunderstandings, Pain, Separations, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-20 22:32:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11344437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneishaa97/pseuds/oneishaa97
Summary: I love —""But we need to break up," Magnus continued, gently pushing at Alec's chest.Free me as his silent plea.





	1. Chapter 1

 

"Magnus Bane?" Alec scoffed, followed by a low chuckle. "That's not serious. We're just having fun."  
 _Just having fun_  
Magnus recoiled violently as if he had been burned and he had been. Not physically, of course, but his heart burned.   
Magnus had been at home, tending to a client when suddenly he received Isabelle's immediate cry for help. He dropped everything and portalled out to aid the young shadowhunter whom he had come to consider a friend of his, not to mention that she was Alec's younger sister. He had been grinning from ear to ear the second he arrived at the institute. Isabelle's big emergency hadn't been very big at all and he completed his required task in under ten minutes and had decided to pay his beautiful boyfriend a visit. Since he was appointed the head of the institute they hardly saw each other, they spent less time together and even lesser nights but Magnus hadn't complained. He was ecstatic that his boyfriend finally got what he had always wanted and did his best to support him in everything he did. The visit was supposed to be a surprise. He advised everyone around to not alert Alec to his presence. It was meant to be a surprise but the surprise he received in turn wasn't at all what he expected yet he felt as though he should've known.   
All Magnus felt in that very moment was his heart breaking; shattering into a million pieces.   
Alec's words swirled all around him, he felt as though he was suffocating, the sharp pain tugging at his heart made it impossible to breathe but he fights it.  
He has to.   
_It's not serious_  
His words spilled out smoothly like butter running down toast.   
This...us... It's not going away  
 _Magnus... I love you_  
 _You don't ever have to prove yourself to me_  
 _I love you_  
 _I love you_  
 _Magnus, I love you_   
The nausea swirled unrestrained in Magnus's now empty stomach. His head swam with half-formed regrets. His heart felt as if his blood had become tar as it struggled to keep a steady beat.   
It seemed as if Magnus had been rooted outside of Alec's room for hours — too shock and too hurt to move — but it had only been a few minutes. He didn't hear anything else after that; didn't even try to. Magnus pushed himself off the wall he was currently braced against, pulled out the tiny mirror he kept in his coat pocket at all times and brought it to his face. Thick tears decorated his now flushed cheeks. He hadn't even realized he'd been crying but that's heartbreak for you. It creeps up when you least expect it, demanding to be heard and fed and acknowledged.   
_I love you too, Magnus. So much._  
Quickly, Magnus wiped aggressively at his eyes, removing the evidence of his pain before turning in the opposite direction and walking towards the entrance. He didn't need anyone's pitying stares or their millions of questions that would most likely be asked.   
He didn't need the _I told you so's_ that he knew would be coming from both Raphael and Cat. It wasn't as though they didn't like Alexander, they did but they _loved_ Magnus and didn't want to see him get his heart ripped apart by some barely legal shadowhunter.   
But it did. His heart did get ripped apart by some barely legal shadowhunter.  
By the time Magnus arrived back to his apartment he was barely keeping it together. With a flick of his wrist he changed out of his quite excessive wear which was quickly replaced by a grey sweatpants and a white T-shirt. With his face now makeup free, he flung himself into the couch and just let it all out.   
Magnus cried as if his brain was being shredded from the inside. Emotional pain flowed out of his every pore. From his mouth came a cry so raw that even Chairman Meow's eyes suddenly looked as though it was wet with tears. He grabbed onto the little coffee table so that his violent shaking would not cause him to fall and from his eyes came a thicker flow of tears than he had cried for even his own mother centuries ago.   
His cellphone buzzed in the distance, followed quickly by another buzz then another.   
This heartbreak felt cold.  
This heartbreak was unexpected, as they always are – top of the world one minute and cut down the next.  
Magnus' heartache had rung him out until he was dry inside, no more tears would come. His insides still felt as raw as if a winter wind was blowing right through his skin. Alec's last words still haunted him, taunted him, replaying like an echo. His appetite had dwindled to nothing. His curtains drawn shut so that he wouldn't have to witness life going on as usual. How could it when his world had crumbled to nothing?  
It is a cruelty of life that the heart can keep beating even after it's been broken.

_"You give the best hugs," Alec whispered, snuggling into Magnus's warm side._   
_He wrapped an arm around Alec's shoulders and pulled him close, gently rubbing his arm._   
_"I love you so much, Alexander," Magnus whispered back, pulling him impossibly closer. He held him tightly as if his life depended on this love alone and it did. Alexander was his whole heart — his everything. He couldn't imagine a life without him, he didn't even want to think about one._   
_Losing Alec meant losing himself._   
_"I love you too, Magnus. So much," Alec replied._   
_Alec's hand moved around Magnus's middle, warm and soft. In seconds his body moulded against his own, sharing his body heat as easily as he shared his heart. Magnus never knew he could let another close to him — close to his heart, but Alec was so different._

_**Buzz** _

Magnus' phone buzzed again shaking him out of his reverie. Sighing, he reached for the cursed vibrating device only he still didn't get the chance to grab because his door slammed open and a very breathless, very beautiful Alec rushed in, bow and quiver in hand. He scanned the room thoroughly before his hazel orbs rested on Magnus. Alec let out a slow, controlled breath seeing that Magnus was alright but a frown took over his delicate features as he took in his boyfriend's current state. He wasn't dolled up which was an immediate red flag. Anyone who knew Magnus knew that he liked to dress up, he liked to turn heads and be the center of attention but now he looked as if he'd blend right into the beige walls if you didn't hold onto him.   
Alec tucked his quiver and bow away before peeling off his leather jacket. He approached Magnus slowly as someone might approach a frightened deer.   
Upon further inspection he noticed the tear streaks coating his boyfriend's face. He pulled the shorter man into his arms, crushing him against his chest, inhaling the faint sandalwood shampoo he loved so much.   
"What's wrong?" He asked gently, rubbing small, comforting circles against his boyfriend's back. Magnus gripped the back of Alec's neck tightly, drawing his lips to his kissing him softly.   
Alec's hand reaches below Magnus' ear, his thumb softly caressing his cheek as he deepened the kiss.   
Alec's hands were wrapped around Magnus' waist and his locked around his neck pulling him down slightly. When they broke apart for air Magnus rested his forehead against his and gathered some much needed oxygen.   
"Alexander," he breathes out slowly, racking his brain for the right words to use to put an end to this one sided love.  
"Yes?" Alec whispers. His voice barely above a whisper.   
"Aku cinta kamu, sayangku."  
Alec pulls back slowly, looking down at Magnus with a look of amusement.   
"What does that mean?" He asked, grinning as if he already knew where the conversation was headed. Or atleast thought he knew.   
"I love you, my dear. It means I love you, my dear," Magnus choked out, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill out without his permission.   
Alec's features softened.   
"I love —"  
"But we need to break up," Magnus continued, gently pushing at Alec's chest.   
_Free me_ as his silent plea.   
Alec's hands dropped to side a little too quickly. He was quiet for quite a bit before he spoke up again.   
"Why?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec's features softened. Magnus always got emotional with every declaration of love. He was still very scared. He's had his heart broken more times than he could count. Giving his heart to the young shadowhunter had been a risk. It still was.

Alec Lightwood had only been the head of the institute for about two weeks and he had already had enough. The dark bags the size of golf balls under his eyes screamed tiredness but Alec wasn't going to tap out — he couldn't.   
It was bad enough that the Clave hadn't directly given it to him because he was not only gay but also dating a downworlder and not just *any* downworlder. The High Warlock of Brooklyn was no joke. He was serious business. He was feared and worshipped all around the globe but Alec didn't see the high warlock when he gazed upon Magnus all he saw was his boyfriend. His wonderful, understanding boyfriend who hadn't complained at all when Alec's workload started getting heavier. He didn't even complain when their time together was broken down to almost no time at all. They hadn't had sex in about a week but Magnus never complained. Magnus never minded because Magnus loved him and knew what this job meant to him and for that he loved the man even more. This beautiful soul that was just his alone.   
"Brother, brother!" Jace, his brother, his parabatai yelled, ruffling his hair affectionately with the biggest grin on the face. Jace was happy for him without a doubt but he also secretly knew that Jace was just happy he didn't have that workload bestowed upon him any longer.   
"How's the new position treating you, man?"   
Alec dived into idle prattle, telling Jace all about life as the head of the institute. Jace interrupting once or twice to offer Alec some advice which he gladly gobbled up; starved for some help. He hadn't much to do that day. Everything that was needed to be done had already been covered and by the time Alec reached the bedroom door he just wanted to collapse.   
"Dude," Jace called in a whisper. "I need to run something by you."  
Alec nodded, pushing his bedroom door open and walking in, closing the door after Jace followed closely behind.   
Alec kicked his shoes off, gratefully wiggling his toes that had been cramped in one position all morning.   
"How's it going?" Jace asked casually, tapping away on his phone though Alec knew he was just doing this to avoid eye contact for whatever uncomfortable thing he was about to say or ask. Alec sighed.   
"Magnus and I are okay. He understands."  
Jace nods.   
"Do you guys have... alone time?" He asked after much hesitation.   
Alec chuckled, scrubbing his hand across his face.   
"We're not having sex, if that's what you wanted to ask. I don't really have the time."  
Jace shifted uncomfortably in his seat but didn't say anything. Though he was by all means completely alright with Alec's sexuality, the sex talk always made him squirm.   
"I didn't mean... I just meant if it isn't a problem for him. You know with you being so aligned with the Clave now. Is he comfortable?"  
Alec frowned. "He's okay, dude. Trust me. I would know if something was wrong."  
Jace nodded slowly.   
"The Clave is still against it, bud. They'd rather the head of the institute to not associate himself with a downworlder especially a downworlder called Magnus Bane," He whispered sadly, his golden hair brushing over his forehead making him look more like an angel than he actually was.   
Alec straighten up, stiff all over.   
He was getting angry but mostly amused at the sheer ignorance of the Clave.   
He scoffed followed by a low chuckle. "What would they rather me say then? _Magnus Bane? Oh that's not serious. We're just having fun_? That's pathetic," Alec murmured, laying back on his bed staring up at his ceiling. Everything had been so much simpler when he was a kid. Part of him wanted to go back there. Not being a child but being that carefree again where passing his exams were his biggest worries.   
"Just thought you ought to know, brother. If it's worth anything, I think you're doing a mighty fine job, way better than I could ever do I'll tell you that much." Jace added smiling up at his brother.   
A sharp knock at the door wiped away the little moment Alec and Jace shared and Jace hopped to his feet.   
"That's enough emotions for one day," he said grinning.   
Alec scoffed and walked over to the door revealing Izzy with her hand across her eyes.   
"I didn't see anything. Sorry if I'm bothering you guys but mom wanted to see Magnus for something," Isabelle rushed out in one breath.   
Alec frowned.   
"Magnus? Magnus isn't here."  
Isabelle glared at him.   
"I get that he's your boyfriend but we need him too so just move. It'll take like five minutes then you'll h—"  
Alec placed his hands on his sister's shoulders in a futile attempt to calm her down.   
"Izzy," Jace spoke up from behind, peering over Alec's shoulder.   
"Magnus was never here. What are you talking about?"  
Isabelle shoved Alec out of the way and scanned the room before frowning.   
"Weird," she whispered. "He said he was coming down here," she looked up at Alec's confused face, "to you."  
"Iz, I'm telling you Magnus wasn't here."   
Alec scrambled to his bed, blindly searching for his phone between the covers.   
When his fingers finally brushed against the device he pulled it, inputting his phone's lock code, which was just Magnus' name in numbers. Anyone with half a brain could figure it out but he didn't care. He was in love and wasn't ashamed of it.   
No new messages. No new messages that mattered anyway.

_**Magnus <33  
** _   
_Hey babe, Izzy said you dropped by to visit. I didn't see you though. Everything okay?_

**_Magnus <33_ **

_Call me, maybe?  
 **  
Magnus <33**_

_Magnus?_

He sent another few seconds after the first followed closely by another.   
He was growing increasingly worried by the minute. Magnus always replied to him almost immediately.   
"He could be with a client," Jace offered.   
_Yeah, he could be but he could also be in trouble  
_  
 ** _Magnus <33  
_** _  
I'm coming over_

"I'm gonna check it out," Alec said to his siblings, grabbing his jacket from his bed, chucking it on quickly. 

Upon arrival, he noticed how still the place was. Normally you'd hear something — anything behind the doors of Magnus Bane but he didn't and that worried him.   
With his quiver and bow ready, he slammed into the loft, breathing heavily. He scanned the room quickly before his eyes landed on the man he longed to see. Slowly, he felt the tension leave his body, completely taken over by something else.   
Tucking his weapon away, he approached his boyfriend slowly. As he got close enough to touch he saw faint tears streaks on his lover's cheek.   
He felt his heart sink. He pulled the shorter man into his arms, rubbing his back slowly.   
"What's wrong?" He asked into his hair  
Magnus gripped the back of Alec's neck tightly, drawing his lips down to him, kissing him softly.   
Alec's hand reaches below Magnus' ear, his thumb softly caressing his cheek as he deepened the kiss.   
Alec's hands were wrapped around Magnus' waist as Magnus' arm locked around his neck pulling him down slightly. When they broke apart for air Magnus rested his forehead against his and gathered some much needed oxygen.   
"Alexander," he breathes out slowly, racking his brain for the right words to use to put an end to this one sided love.  
"Yes?" Alec whispers. His voice barely above a whisper. Hoarse and wanting.   
"Aku cinta kamu, sayangku."  
Alec pulls back slowly, looking down at Magnus with a look of amusement.   
"What does that mean?" He asked, raising a perfectly arched eyebrow. Magnus would only use a foreign language when he wanted him *badly* and Alec had a bit of time on his side today.  
Slowly, he drags his calloused fingers against Magnus' stomach leaving goosebumps in his wake. Magnus pushed his hands away gently. He looked worried as if he were fighting a battle in his head and losing.   
"I love you, my dear. It means I love you, my dear," Magnus choked out, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill out without his permission.   
Alec's features softened. Magnus always got emotional with every declaration of love. He was still very scared. He's had his heart broken more times than he could count. Giving his heart to the young shadowhunter had been a risk. It still was.   
"I love —"  
"But we need to break up," Magnus continued, gently pushing at Alec's chest.   
_What?_  
Alec's hands dropped to his side almost a little too quickly.   
_Break up? We're happy... Aren't we?_  
"Why?" He asked, trying his hardest to keep a cool head.   
"You _just_ said you loved me. What are you —"  
"I do love you!" Magnus yells, eyes red and angry but mostly hurt.   
Alec's confusion to the matter at hand only frustrated him greatly. He didn't understand why Magnus looked at him like he'd eaten his heart out. He hadn't done anything but love his man with all of him.   
"I love you," Magnus whispered again, clutching his chest through his shirt.   
"I love you so much, Alec. You know this. I tell you everyday," he whimpered, lowering himself to the floor slowly. His tears came faster now and he was gasping— struggling to breathe. He was breaking down right in front of Alec and he couldn't understand why.   
"Baby," Alec said softly, reaching for him. He didn't flinch away from his touch. Instead he held onto him tightly as one might hold onto an anchor to prevent themselves from falling; drowning.   
"What did I do?" Alec asked into his hair, though he was quite certain he hadn't done anything wrong.   
"We talked about how many times I had my heart broken. I told you. I trusted you to keep my heart safe and you.."  
Magnus broke off he was full on crying at this point. He held Alec tightly in his arms as if he wanted to crawl into his body and shield himself from the harshness of the world.   
"I do keep your heart safe. I would never hurt you, Magnus. By the angel, you are my life."  
Magnus pulled away suddenly, crashing to the floor.   
"Magnus," Alec sighs.   
"Why do you seem so bothered by this?" Magnus asked angrily, fisting tears from his eyes. "You don't love me, Alexander. When will you stop pretending? Stop treating me like a child?"  
"You're acting like a child!" Alec roared back. "You wouldn't even tell me what it is you think I did wrong. How am I supposed to deal with this if I don't know what _this_ is "  
Alec sighed heavily, leaning against the wall beside the door.   
"We were just having fun so I hope you had the time of your life."  
Magnus got to his feet a little wobbly at first but then he found his balance, looking at Alec with those red eyes, almost the colour of blood.   
Alec's face coloured with realization.  
"You overheard Jace and I," Alec sighed. "What else did you hear?"  
He wasn't even denying which caused thick tears to escape Magnus' eyes. The space where his heart was supposed to be felt hollow, cold, like a pit of nothingness.   
"I heard enough. Why didn't you just tell me that you didn't want me that way? I gave you my heart, Alexander. Why would you hurt me like this?"  
"Magnus, you misunderstood. If you had just listened to the rest of the conversation —" Alec tried, slipping over his words.   
"Please leave, Alec. We're over. I don't ever want to see you again or your little Shadowhunter friends."  
"Magnus —"  
"Just get out."  
Alec sighed, defeated. Slowly he made his way over to where his bow and quiver was then scooped up his jacket.   
He stopped at the door, looking back at a hunched over Magnus struggling to keep his tears at bay. Alec's heart broke at the sight.   
"You were never just a game to me, Magnus Bane. I love you more than anything."  
Alec shut the door behind him, behind his love, behind his heart, behind his happiness. 


End file.
